The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore
by Mary91
Summary: Set at some point in late season four. Derek's thoughts on the demise of Meredith and Derek and who's responsible


**A/N this is set in late season four at but not after any particular episode. It was born out of reading one too many season four fics where Derek is always the bad guy who messes with Meredith and breaks her heart while Mer is the innocent victim, wronged again and again by the oh-so-perfect McDreamy.**

**If the timeline of events is a bit off, I apologize, Derek wasn't making much sense in my head when he had to get this off his chest. **

**I strongly suggest that you listen to James Morrison's The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore when reading this.**

**To my loyal Never Know Where Life Will Take Us readers, I have a lot of Essays due before Christmas and the finals, but I hope to get back to writing as soon as I can and hopefully over Christmas break manage to write a couple of chapters to bank (or maybe even finish the story :p). Because there was no Never Know this week I thought I'd give you something I had on my hard drive for a while already.**

Why am I always the bad guy? I try so hard and yet, she's always the innocent victim and I am the bastard who broke her heart. But what about me? What about my heart? I can see it in their eyes, Meredith, her friends, hell even Addison and Mark: there he goes again, breaking poor Meredith. I love Meredith, I love Meredith so much it hurts. I want to be with her. I meant what I said when I told her she was the love of my life, I still want to die in her arms when I am a hundred and ten years. She doesn't love me though. She doesn't even believe in love. Everything I thought we were, it was all a lie. So really what can I do, but move on? Or at least try to move on, I doubt I'll ever truly able to let her go. It just hurts so much to be with her. I don't know when we spun so out of control that all there is left now is hurt. I made a mistake when I chose Addison but all I have done since then is trying to repair the mistake and fix it. She didn't choose me either, she choose to give up and die. Does she understand how much it hurts to know that the woman you love doesn't love you enough to choose you over death? I knew she was slipping away, I needed her so badly to tell me we would be okay, but she never did. She never told me anything, always keeping me at arms length. I needed to know Meredith was in it as much as I was, I needed to know she would stay and not leave me again. When I told her she was the love of my life and she walked away and broke it off... I thought walking in on Addison and Mark had hurt, but she might as well had taken a scalpel to my chest and cut my heart out. At first it helped that we still slept together. She was still mine that way, I got to hold her, to love her, to make love to her. I still had hope that she would change her mind and return my love. Only she didn't. I was her dirty little secret, the guy she called to scratch an itch and then kicked out of her bed afterwards like I was one of her one night stands from back in the day. Every time after I made love to her and then was told to leave, every time she left me, I felt a little more empty, a little more broken until I no longer made love to her, but only fucked. She willingly gave me her body but never her soul, her love. She might as well slip me some money afterwards.

How was I to know that just when I decide to let her go, to move on she changes her mind and wants to try again. We didn't even make it 48 hours before its over again. She doesn't trust me and I can no longer wait until she might decide she can try. It is just too painful to be the only one in a relationship.

I am going out with Rose now. I feel nothing, I am empty but it has to go somewhere because Meredith can't know how broken I am. Being with Rose is easy, there is no passion, but also no hurt. She is not broken and she can't ever break me. What does it matter that it is all a lie and I have to close my eyes and think of Meredith when I am with her. Rose wants a future, and I try to tell myself I want it too, but the truth is the future means nothing to me without Meredith in it, but I have given up hope that she'll ever want it. Maybe it is just me though, maybe she wants it with someone else. Finn having plans didn't seem to freak her out, like she freaks out whenever I mention something that could remotely be classified as _plans_.

And yet, would she give me the slightest indication that she wants me, I'd break everything off and be with her again. They say the third time is the charm, but maybe for us its the fourth.

But she doesn't get to play the victim for she is not and neither am I. We both have done our fair share of hurting each other, we both made our mistakes that led to the demise of the Legend of Meredith and Derek.

**Please leave a review :-)**


End file.
